Content: loyalty

Summary:

WHAT KISS DESERVES TO BE TRADEMARKED? You'll find out in this literate, comedic, romantic, aphoristic, ten-years-in-the-writing, sci-fi thriller. Only the first page is posted below, since that's all I need feedback on at the moment. I'm mostly interesting in sentence-level commentary, not global suggestions. Which lines catch your eye, for better or worse, and why? I put a lot of pressure on sentences to provide immediate pleasure to the readers, not just the accumulative thrill of character and plot development. Novels are often mostly empty space, wasting their readers' time by deferring pleasure through over-focus on plot and character development. Sentences, though, can provide immediate pleasure--as evidenced in "money lines," those beautifully struck sentences that, even in the best of writers, can be found only a few times a chapter. Novelists can do more to thrill immediately by putting more energy into sentences. You'll see what I mean in the brief descriptions of the main characters below (copied from the novel's opening chapters). If lines like these appeal to you, you'll enjoy the rest of it . . . because the texts is filled with 'em. :-) Maya Lyon: "Maya smiled, her face a feature-rich Brazilian package of calligraphic piercings, lash-black hair, museum-quality aquamarine eyes, and unretouched asymmetrical scars." Hannah Mays "[Hannah's clothes] were mostly shot up and torn off, leaving her body on full topographic display. Her muscles were ornate and well-detailed, a variable geography of curves and cables and shadowed cross-cuts that made regular bodies look like tube arms hanging from an egg foundation." Poor Tom: "Just sitting, [Tom] was a few amputations shy of sharing the circle Da Vinci drew around the Ventruvian Man; standing, Tom made Michelangelo's statuesque David appear like a previous species of underfed teen; and in both positions, his hands were notable, large enough to palm a liter of water and, of late, having been all over her." ----- As mentioned, I'm mostly interesting in sentence-level commentary, not global suggestions. Which lines catch your eye, for better or worse, and why? THANKS IN ADVANCE FOR COMMENTARY! ~john

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Summary:

The post-modern workplace in a non-post-modern setting.I have struggled with the beginning for a long time. I’ve already reduced it by about four pages but feel it still needs to be tightened up at the start. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. Had to post in two parts due to word count so can I ask that both parts be read before reviewing? Thanks!

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This work is from the novel, Corporate Samurai "love begets hate, trust begets betrayal, lust leads to death". It attempts to convey the emotions and thoughts, in song form, of a woman Samurai to the one true love of her life--who is also a Samurai. This song is written at a time when she suspects their relationship will not be sustainable, as her lover comes from a much inferior heritage than her own--something her family will not accept.

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The story follows a successful attorney who uses his new-found fortune to purchase a fishing resort. When he and his wife are murdered, his son takes over running the resort. The son, Jason, finds evidence incriminating the local Police Chief in the murder of his parents. When his twin, Jared--a federal prosecutor--threatens to prosecute the Police Chief, Jared is also murdered. Following an altercation with Jason, the Chief is found murdered. All evidence points to Jason as the murderer. Before the trial is over, Jason brings forth evidence that will hopefully point to someone else. Someone who has orchestrated events to obtain vengeance against Jason.

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Synopsis: Phoebe lives a privileged life in a repressed and controlled society until she discovers the husband she thought was dead, is imprisoned by the regime that protects her. She becomes obsessed with his freedom.

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